This just in, Ted Cruz is a vampire

Ted Cruz wants you to believe he's human, because he wants to be the next president.  What he's not telling you is he's a 400 year old vampire with a magic ring that prevents him from burning up in the sunlight.

He was a conquistador, one of Ponce de Leon's men, and was cursed with vampirism after pissing in the fountain of youth. You'll note that his top aides never expose their throats. His tell is he speaks Spanish with an antiquated accent.   He does not sparkle, that's a lie promoted by Stephenie Meyer fans.